Book Review: The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo

2017 Reading Challenge: Reading for Fun

A Book You Chose for the Cover

2017-02-04_23-26-09_000Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. That’s a sentiment I’ve always tried to live by, so when the reading challenge has “read a book you chose for the cover”… Well, that’s a bit of a head scratcher. And so technically becomes like the free space on the bingo card.

Since I’m trying to get all 24 books read without repeating a category (not to say that I won’t repeat a category) some books may just have to fit into more than one. I have already read the juicy memoir, so I’m putting Amy Schumer’s book The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo into the cover category. According to Amy, this book isn’t a memoir anyway because she is too young to have written a memoir. It is simply a book of stories about her life.

PotAto. PotAHto.

If you know anything about Amy Schumer’s stand up comedy, you know that she is unapologetically raunchy and will say almost anything about sex and her sex life. (She does not give out the names of her partners.) Her book is no different. In fact, if you catch her Leather Special on Netflix it is the equivalent of a musician going on tour with their new album. Many of the stories in her book are retold in shorter comedy-style bites on her special. The special on Netflix is a hour long.

It takes longer than an hour to read her book, and if you are sensitive to her preferred topics and language you may need a palate cleanser between chapters. If you are offended in any way by her topics and language, you’ll want to give this book a pass.

Her book is not all raunch. Amy was deeply upset by the Lafayette theater shooting during a showing of her movie, Trainwreck, leaving two young women dead and others injured. This has prompted her to become an advocate for gun control. She mentions it on her special and has promised to speak the names of the two women whenever she can. Promise delivered. In the book she goes into much more detail about her efforts and provides more information at the end of the book about how others can get involved.

Amy Schumer is a hard working comedian who has earned her moment in the sun and I respect her for that. I also admire her ability to say what she wants to say without censor. In a society where women especially are afraid to offend and afraid to speak their minds the ability to speak up and stand up for yourself and others is invaluable.

However, I’m not really the demographic she’s playing to. Her hour-long special was plenty for me, and it’s unlikely I’ll pay money to see her in person. And I while did enjoy her book I didn’t love it and I suspect she’s okay with that.

Oh, and the lower back tattoo? You’ll have to read the book to find out if it’s real or not.

The Noise on the Roof

A thud on the roof woke Melissa from a light sleep. When she went to bed, she had looked forward to the predicted storm. The rumble of thunder and pounding rain always had a soothing effect on her. She got up to inspect the thud with some trepidation, however, aware that she was meant to be away on a business trip. Her groggy middle of the night mind feared something worse than a tree.

Of course, she knew that was ridiculous. Who would break into a house from the roof? She retrieved a flashlight from her nightstand drawer and grabbed the baseball bat in the laundry room for protection. Her ex-husband claimed that she lacked the ability to shoot someone because she was simply too nice, but that maybe she could scare off an intruder with the bat. She knew that pushing the panic button on her alarm console might be the best solution, provided she wasn’t in the middle of a life or death confrontation. Hands shaking, she crept to her front door.

As she tiptoed, the shrill ring of her cell phone made her jump out of her skin.

“Melissa? It’s me. When you get home from whatever stupid trip you’re on, I’ll be dead.”

“What?! Dan? I AM home. Where are you?!”

“What?! I’m on your roof. Did you see that dumbass Frank walking his dog just now? I think he called 911. Hang on. I’m coming down.”

This was all too much. Too much rain. Too much thunder. Too much drama. Too much Dan. Melissa sat on the floor, dizzy and shaking with anxiety. She heard more thumps, thuds and cursing before she heard pounding on her patio door. Instead of standing, she crawled toward that door and pulled herself up by the handle to let him in. As she opened the door, the momentum from his knocking propelled him into the kitchen and he fell in a sodden heap.

“Ohmigod! Dan? Dan! DAN!” Melissa screamed and got down next to him, afraid that he was unconscious or worse.

Rolling onto his back, Dan peeled open his eyes and slurred, “Melissa. I’m okay. Not okay. Why are you here? Just let me die. Don’t let them take me away.” He began to cry.

“I am not letting you die,” she said, sitting back on her heels and hearing for the first time a siren in the distance. “But I am getting you a towel and putting on a pot of coffee. And I might just let them take you away.”

The deafening siren stopped in front of Melissa’s house, confirming that their neighbor Frank had called 911. Melissa left Dan whimpering on the floor and got up to answer another pounding on a door. Her head pounded in time with the beating. Couldn’t they just have rung the doorbell?

“Officer.”

“Ma’am, we got a call that there is a person, probably intoxicated, on your roof. Have you heard anything?”

She started to speak, but couldn’t find the shape of yes in her mouth. Dan needed help, probably a lot of help, but she could not bear to see him taken off by the police. She rubbed her temples and heard herself lying. “No, just the storm blowing things around. I’m fine.”

“Well, I hope you don’t mind if I take a look around your property a bit to make sure no one is here, then I’ll be on my way.”

She closed the door and leaned back against it, closing her eyes and sliding to the floor. She was about to drift off to sleep when she smelled coffee.

Two steaming cups sat in the center of the table. Dan had fallen asleep with his head on the table and a hand around one of the cups. Melissa kissed his still wet hair and lay down on a nearby sofa, praying this would all make sense in the daylight.

P. S. I welcome constructive criticism. Tell me what you liked and what you didn’t!

Remedial Novel Writing – Lesson 4

Or How to Write a Novel When You Have No Idea What You’re Doing

Ah, revising. My revising is really becoming more like rewriting. I have absolutely rewritten the beginning so I’m still really at the beginning. Since my revising is going along at a snail’s pace, I thought I’d address one of the things that can stump a remedial novel writer: what to say when someone asks what you’re writing. For example, you might say, “I’m writing science fiction novel about… “. Or “I’m writing a historical fiction novel that’s set in World War I.”

Or, you could be writing, as I am, a story that is not so easily categorized. Today’s lesson will cover:

Genres and Subgenres

The easy definition is that genres are just a way of categorizing your writing. Since this is about novel writing, I’m going to assume that you’re writing fiction. Other primary writing genres are non-fiction, drama, poetry and from one source I found, folklore (which, to me would be a sub-genre of fiction).

So. My novel is fiction. Almost entirely made up with a smattering of things that may or may not be true. For example, it’s set in Texas (a real place) in a small town called Grace (not a real place).

But then what? This is where it gets a little hairy, people. Some of the most basic kinds of subgenres you will find are historical fiction, science fiction, thrillers, horror, mysteries, women’s (huh? Did Hemingway write “men’s” fiction? I think not), fantasy and speculative. If you said, what the EF is speculative fiction, I was right there with ya!

The best definition I found (and most thorough explanation) was written by author Annie Neugebauer in her blog post What is Speculative Fiction? She writes that speculative fiction is “any fiction in which the ‘laws’ of that world (explicit or implied) are different than ours.” She also has an excellent Venn diagram explaining spec fic and the inherent problems in being too rigid in how that diagram works. In other words, the lines she draws can be “blurred” and you can have a novel that falls into more than one section of the diagram.

This is exactly the problem I have in describing a novel in any one or two subgenres. The problems is that publishers need/want that definition. Can you write a romantic forensic thriller where the hero has supernatural powers? Well, yeah.

None of this matters too much if you decide to self publish except that you want to at least know the best group or groups of people to aim a marketing campaign at and if you want to sell any copies, then marketing is a necessary evil. If you want to take a crack at traditional publishing, then you need to know the best place to pitch your manuscript to. If you pitch a speculative medical thriller to a publisher or agent with a primary interest in World War II erotic romances your manuscript is going to be flying right back at you faster than you can say Andromeda Strain.

Confused? I’m confessing that I am a bit because sometimes unexpected events in your novel happen that effect the category. Imagine my surprise when my heroine finds a dead body in the vault of the old bank building she bought and turned into an art gallery with living quarters upstairs.

That’s a mystery that I’m certainly going to have to deal with during this revising period!

By the way, this Writer’s Digest article has great explanations of the various (and many) subgenres.

Remedial Novel Reading Lesson 1, Lesson 2, Lesson 3

 

 

 

 

Book Report: Not My Father’s Son

2017 Reading Challenge: Reading for Fun

A juicy memoir

cummingMemoirs or biographies are possibly my favorite kind of nonfiction books to read. I lean toward the books written by people still alive and they don’t need to be famous. That said, I just finished reading Alan Cumming’s memoir Not My Father’s Son.

How do you define “juicy memoir”? If you want a bunch of Hollywood inside stories, this is not the book for you. As far as celebrity gossip goes, this is not a tell all kind of memoir. It does, however, tell all you need to know about Alan Cumming.

It is, in short, brave and brilliant.

Told with alternating “Then” and “Now” chapters, Alan explores his upbringing in the home of an abusive father as he attempts to learn more about his mother’s father during the filming of a celebrity genealogy television program. The horrible mental and physical abuse meted out by Alex Cumming on both Alan (and his older brother, Tom) might leave you wondering how anyone could come through the things that they did and still be functioning adults, and yet they are.

Of course, neither grew up in an abusive household, left home, and then, boom, they were a-ok. During the “then” chapters we learn about specific details of Alan’s childhood and the “now” chapters follow a much more introspective path in an attempt to discover how all the events fit together in the man Alan Cumming is today.

If you enjoy memoirs and biographies that tell the story of a life and demonstrate personal growth and understanding, I recommend Not My Father’s Son, dark as it is.

Linking up with Modern Mrs. Darcy

Remedial Novel Writing – Lesson 3

Or How to Write a Novel When You Have No Idea What You’re Doing

The time has come.

READY, SET, READ

Yes, print out your novel on cheap inexpensive recycled printer paper, put it in a pretty binder and crack it open. You have two options here. Read it like any other novel. OR… take notes as you read. Since this is a remedial course, you most likely do not already have an editor. We’re going to self-edit. I am loosely following the guidelines from well-storied.com for Editing your First Draft.

The goal here with your first read is to discover whether you have produced a diamond (check for typos and write your query letter, you don’t need me), a diamond in the rough or a fossilized dog turd that has escaped the pooper scooper too many times. If it’s the dog turd, go back and start over. (Lesson 1, Lesson 2)

For interest’s sake, I’m going to assume that we have a diamond in the rough here, though you truly won’t know until you reach the page that says “The End”.

On Taking Notes

I was incapable of “just” reading my fabulous work of art, but if that’s what you did with your first reading and you have that precious diamond in the rough, grab a spiral notebook and a bunch of different colored pins and take some notes.

Start with your brilliant first sentence. Did you angst over it like I did imagining that if you nailed the first sentence the rest would be gravy? Hell yeah! Or not. My first worried over sentence seemed to be a disconnect from the rest of the book. Actually my entire first chapter seemed to be a disconnect and that’s where the notes come in handy.

textifier_20170210155133Specifically, I was looking for:

  • the timeline. When did the action in this chapter take place and for how long? Was it less than a day, or did it cover several months? (noted with blue ink)
  • a general synopsis. The action. (orange ink)
  • characters in the chapter. (purple ink, along the right-hand side of the notes. If it was their first mention, they got a * by their name.)
  • location(s) of the action (green ink)
  • any BIG events (pink-ish ink)

And finally…

  • Problems (red ink).

Problems?

Yes. I found at least one problem in almost every single chapter and I’m not talking typos here. In fact, if you aren’t too OCD, ignore those typos as those are the least of your problems. The problems that need to be dealt with first:

PLOT HOLES. Like pot holes, these can throw your entire novel out of alignment. You should concentrate on finding all these “holes” in your story because any further editing and revising will be pointless if these aren’t repaired. Some are easier to fix than others.

The big plot holes are those that swallow your novel whole. These are the kinds of things that turn your diamond in the rough into the fossilized dog turd with the turn of the page.

Does your story make sense?

Oh, yeah, this may be the biggest. In the case of Grace Gallery, my WIP novel, I ended up with two main plotlines (A & B) and at least one subplot (C) that I meant to be a main plot. A & B competed for top spot and if they both stayed in the book you would be left scratching your head at the end wondering what genre you were reading. Was it a quirky love story or a murder mystery? I’m not saying that you won’t find those two genres co-existing in a novel, but it wasn’t working in mine. It left me, the author, saying, “Wait. What just happened?” too many times. Must be fixed.

Know your characters

Like a plot run amok, if you do not know your characters intimately they’ll surprise you during your first read and you, as author, should not be surprised that Tom has been the bad guy all along. Characters should change and grow, but they have to be doing things that make sense from chapter to chapter. Must be fixed.

Predictability

In a general sense as well as a plot sense, events should have some element of predictability. Even in science fiction or fantasy, events in the world you made up should be predictable. For example, if your world does not have gravity then the characters can’t simply be walking around like it does. Ask yourself, could this event really happen in my world.

The smaller plot holes are easier to fix, but they still must be fixed. Did you change the sheriff’s last name as you wrote? What about the names of some of the locations? Did the local bar go from being called “Sam’s” to the “Watering Hole”? If you said there would be food trucks in one scene and then they never materialize, you have to do something about that.

Are your timelines off or does the action occur in one place and the characters are unexpectedly beamed across town? This may turn out to be a big problem if it isn’t fixed.

Is your bad guy suddenly an accomplished ballroom dancer? What?!

Summary

If you can’t figure out what is happening, if you say “wait, what?!” every other page, if you have to flip back through the chapters to find out if Sheriff Jones is the same as Sheriff Smith or they are two different people…. you have some work to do.

The next few lessons will cover revising and a writing software review.

 

The Storm

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It was a dark and stormy night.

Dan thought that would be the perfect opening line for the memoir he would never write. Lying on the roof of his ex-wife’s house in the middle of the night he contemplated the next line as the wind began to whip and fat raindrops splashed on his face.

“Dan! What the fuck are you doing up there? A big storm is coming! Dammit, Maple! Hurry up.”

Peering over the edge, Dan saw his former neighbor running back home with his old dog dragging behind. Dan waved and resumed his position, noticing flashes of lightning off in the distance as the rain began to fall faster.

He thought he’d be the first. Suicide by lightning. Wouldn’t Janey be surprised when she found his charred body on her roof! Damaged. That’s why she wanted the divorce. She told Dan he was just too damaged and she had had enough. He’d show her damaged. He scanned the sky once more, on the lookout for a tornado. A tornado would defeat the purpose. He would die, but be blown away like the rest his things Janey threw out when the divorce was final.

On cue, the tornado siren began to wail. Between thunder claps closer and closer together and lightning flashes everywhere, Dan heard a different kind of siren getting louder. “Damn!” That goody-goody neighbor must have called 911. Resigned, he slid down to the gutter and lowered himself into the tree, then to the ground in the backyard, making his getaway.

He had to rush. The bus was here.